♥ Tuesday, June 27, 2006
i hate myself now
im so fucking messed up.i suck i cant freaking concentrate and i dont give a damn abt hmwk.my handwriting sucks i cant even write one sentence without scribbling.my mind is so blank totally invisible.i dunno if thats the way to describe it but you know what i mean.if you can read my mind now you'd know what i mean.school sucks and i know im gonna flunk everything.chinese oral in two weeks time and i still cant speak proper chinese wtf.i dont really care abt it actually.but i wish i do.im so fucked up now that i dont care abt a single damn thing.i really dont.im giving up on almost everything.but i dont want to.its abt the heart or the mind i dont know.cos to me its all the same.but now i dont know.what do you call it when you want to but you cant?dont ask me.im totally clueless.oh and chem test in two days time and theres no sense of urgency.when i dont understand any of it.
.
first time in fifteen years that i really dont care.is it because of the holidays?i think so.
.
and first time ever i actually wanted to care.i've been telling myself to let go and not care abt anything for FIFTEEN YEARS? and when i do.i want the opposite.homosapiens-or-however-you-spell-that just dont know how to be contented huh.we're greedy people.nah actually no.we're just confused.we dont know what we want.we're afraid of regrets.at least that me.and so we take everything to make ourselves feel better cos it will make sure that we dont miss anything out.but when you get all that, you want something else.why?beacuse you already have it.
nothing tastes as sweet as what i cant have.familiar?i forgot the song title.HAH you didnt think im that smart to come up with that line did you.cos im not.if i were i'd be really really really happy.but i guess even the smartest person isnt happy with herself.oops did i just used herself?yes yes i still think girls are smarter than guys.im the exceptional.oh yay i can crap again.im happier now.im happy when i crap.
crap crap crap.ahhaha.
.
first long post this year.i think.im lazy.or should i say that i dont care.i dont know.im confused again!i confuse myself.i shouldnt confuse myself.but i do.OH WHATEVER i dont even know what im talking abt.this is all so confusing.is this really my head.maybe someone implanted some microchip into it.i never used to think so far.did i?of course not.you know me i know myself i know you you know me.nice.really nice.i dunno what im typing but its cute.that sentence.sometimes things that dont mean anything means alot.cos it means nothing.HAH i bet you didnt get what i mean.dont worry its not meant to be understood.just a piece of junk my brain came up with.
.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!!im so bloody messed up.you can see that dont you.from all that crap?i crap not when im happy.i crap TO MAKE myself happy.but of course sometimes i crap out of boredom.for no particular reason.but still.to make myself happy aint i.
.
if ever i could write a compo so long..i'd be glad.
rockstar!, 5:20 PM
..head in the cloud
